Behavior Junction

Are you frustrated because your child doesn’t seem to care about getting in trouble? Are you struggling with behaviors that don’t seem to change no matter what you do? If so, you are not alone. Many parents feel this way and there’s a good reason for it.

You’ve probably heard the phrase, “Let the punishment fit the crime.” But when it comes to raising kids, it’s more helpful to think:

“Let the response fit the reason”

Every behavior happens for a reason. Kids don’t do things “just because.” They do things to meet a need or want – even if they don’t know how to put it into words.

When we try to change a behavior without understanding why it’s happening, the discipline might not work. In fact, it might even make the behavior worse.

There are only four basic reasons a person does anything. These are often referred to as the functions of behavior. Let’s look at the four functions of behavior:

The 4 Functions of Behavior

Sensory-It feels good

Some behaviors just feel good to the body. Scratching an itch, jumping on the couch, humming loudly – these are examples of sensory-seeking behaviors.

When your child yells, rocks, or taps constantly, it might be because their body needs that sensation. Telling them to stop doesn’t take away the need – it might even make it worse. Think of how hard it is to ignore an itch. The more you try to ignore it, the bigger that need gets. Eventually, you have to scratch it!

It does not matter how others respond when a kid is engaging in these types of behaviors. All that matters is that the need in their body gets met. This is why traditional discipline methods like time-outs or losing privileges won’t help much for behaviors meeting a sensory need.

Attention – “Look at me!”

Some kids behave in a certain way in order to get attention from others. That attention might come as praise, laughter, control, or even scolding. For some children, any attention is better than no attention at all.

That’s why behaviors like whining, interrupting, or even hitting can happen more when we react strongly to them. Even though we’re trying to correct the behavior, our attention can actually make it happen more often.

Escape – “I don’t want to do this.”

Other times, a child misbehaves because they want to avoid or delay something they don’t like. This could be a chore, a tough school assignment, or even a social situation.

Let’s say a child throws a tantrum right before homework and then gets sent to their room. That seems like discipline, but they just got out of doing the thing they didn’t want to do. That means the behavior worked for them and they are likely to try it again the next time.

Tangible – “I want that.”

Sometimes, the goal is to get access to a specific item or activity: a toy, a snack, outside time. For example, your child might cry in the store because they want candy or hit their sibling to get the remote. As soon as the child gets access to the thing they want, the behavior stops. When the behavior serves a tangible function, redirecting to a preferred toy or activity will actually make the behavior worse, even if it seems to stop it in the moment.

How Do I Figure Out Why My Child Is Doing This?

It can be tricky! Even when you think you know why your child is doing something, you might be surprised. One of the best ways to figure it out is by observing two things:

1. What happens right before (trigger) the behavior?
2. What happens right after (result) the behvaior?

Write it down for a few days and look for patterns. Is your child always trying to get out of doing something? Or do they behave a certain way when you’re busy and not giving them much attention?

Remember: The same behavior can mean different things for different kids or even for the same child in different situations.

This is why it is so important to figure out the why before choosing how to respond. Just because you have figured out the why in one situation does not mean it will be the same reason in another.

Now That I Know Why…What Do I Do?

Once you understand the reason behind the behavior, you can respond to the behavior more effectively. The first step in responding effectively is to teach a replacement behavior. This is a behavior that will replace undesired behavior. When choosing a replacement behavior to teach, it is important to remember that the new behavior must get the same result as the old behavior: the new behavior must serve the same function.

Bottom line: If the replacement behavior does not meet the same need, your child won’t choose it.

So always ask:

• What do I want them to do instead?
• Does that behavior meet the same need?

When teaching a replacement behavior, it is important to remember these things:

• Avoid only saying what not to do. Saying “Don’t hit your brother” isn’t enough.
• Teach what to do instead. Try: “If you want the toy, you can ask for a turn.”
• Practice when your child is calm. This is when learning happens best. Over time, you can start reminding them in the moment as well.

What If The Replacement Behavior Is Not Enough?

Sometimes, simple teaching and prompting a replacement behavior isn’t enough to change behavior right away. In those cases, you may need to add an additional consequence. But it’s important to match that consequence to the function of the behavior.

For example, a time-out might be helpful for a child who is behaving a certain way in order to get attention, but it could actually reward a child who is trying to escape a task.

The goal is not to punish, but to respond with purpose. Any consequence, whether for positive or challenging behavior, should be thoughtful, consistent and aligned with your child’s needs.

Always respond with intention, not emotion.

Children learn best when your reactions are calm, clear and focused on teaching.

Final Thoughts

When we understand the reason behind behavior, we can respond in a way that helps our children learn and grow. It’s not about being soft or letting things slide, it’s about being intentional with how we teach and respond.

Instead of reacting with frustration, respond with intention.
Instead of just stopping a behavior, teach a better one.

Let the response fit the function and watch your child thrive.